The relationships of Doctor Who

It is Valentine’s Day, which I’m reliably informed has something to do with the emotional exchange, commonly referred to as ‘love’.

As such, I thought today would be a great day to evaluate what a group of science fiction writers think love is, as they’re really the best people to judge, because…shut up.

Rose and the Tenth Doctor.

Starting us off for this one is the relationship that got young girls and mums all around the country into this new show called Doctor Who. This relationship shows us that love is a process of pairing off by which, one man and one woman screw over another man with whom she was already paired and embark on a trip which involves a lot of talking to each other with no sexual tension whatsoever. It should also be noted that once this initial pairing has occurred the man is barred from speaking to or saving the lives of any other creature that possesses a uterus, on penalty of angry pouting. So this relationship shows us that love is a simple process of finding a mate, leaving that mate for a more interesting one (without telling the original mate, so as to keep him in reserve) and then becoming jealous of any other female that has the audacity to talk to the new mate.

Amy and Rory

This relationship tells us a lot about love; namely that the male partner in the relationship will never be able to live up to the female’s expectations. Should she, for example, find out she is unable to conceive children (something the male wants) she will take out her frustrations on him and expel him from the family home. A silly male, for whom the relationship (due to time travel and “science”) has been going on for over 2000 years may expect her to be willing to share her insecurities with a man who she married, following an intimate relationship that lasted a number of years. This is a massive miscalculation on the male’s part, given that (as the who writers will tell you) it is well known that women do not like to share their emotions with their husbands, preferring instead to think of convoluted ways that her strange and hurtful behaviour can be his fault.

Anybody experiencing problems like this in their marriage should seek to be kidnapped together (along with a mutual time travelling friend) and placed in immediate peril. This will cause the female to explain her specious reasoning and somehow convince the male that it is indeed his fault. While silly readers of this post will try to point out that that makes no sense, you can rest assured that it will in fact work because…shut up.

Lessons to take about love from this relationship:

No gesture of love by the male (even spending 2000 years waiting and fighting for the female) will ever encourage the female to have conversation with the male in lieu of kicking him out of the house, when she starts to feel a bit insecure.

It is also perfectly permissible for the female to abandon the male the night before their wedding and then return without any form of apology. If the male should feel hurt by this, he is simply being stupid and deserves to be erased from history, brought back in the form of a plastic Roman soldier and then killed in various new ways after that.

Vastra and Jenny.

This relationship…is actually pretty good. I mean we don’t see a lot of it, but the bits we do see actually make a good case for love. For example, the normally calm Vastra will tend to openly panic when Jenny is placed in peril. She also takes note when she’s been insensitive and apologises for it. She also has the exchange with Strax that best sums up love, in that she says that it’s not simple. This line came from the same man who penned most of the Amy and Rory love story, which is weird, as in that story it was simple. There was a simple overriding rule that Amy was in the right no matter what she was saying or doing and Rory was just being slow on the uptake. Any problems they had (even those instigated by Amy) were Rory’s fault. There was no possibility of anyone ever turning around and pointing out how emotionally abusive Amy was as a person.

The Tenth Doctor and Rose had a rule too; they were two attractive people in close proximity; therefore they were in love. Well there is a place where you can find an example of them acting like a couple…in a deleted scene from series 2. Yes the only good example of intimacy between them was cut out of the show to allow more time for the comic relief of Rose’s mother talking.

So what can we take from these lessons in love from the writing staff of Doctor Who?

Well…ultimately if you want to have a successful and decent relationship , one of you should be a giant lizard and the other a servant.